Reasons why Usenet is like a penis:
 
  * It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard
    to get any real work done.
 
  * In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
    considered vital to the survival of the species.  Some people still
    think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today
    use it for fun most of the time.
 
  * It has no conscience and no memory.  Left to its own devices, it will
    just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
 
  * It provides a way to interact with other people.  Some people take this
    interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.  Sometimes it's
    hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
    late.
 
  * If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
    viruses.
 
  * It has no brain of its own.  Instead, it uses yours.  If you use it too
    much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
 
  * We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
    and influence warrant.
 
  * If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
 
  * It has its own agenda.  Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
    will warp your behavior.  Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did
    I do that?"
 
  * Some folks have it, some don't.
 
    Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.  They
    think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.  They think it
    gives them power.  They are wrong.
 
    Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's
    not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.  Still, many
    of those who don't have it would like to try it.
 
  * Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.  Some people
    would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
 
--
 
> The average length of a man's penis is 6 inches and the average depth of a
> woman's vagina is 9 inches.  That means that there are approximately 25 miles
> of unused vagina in New York City alone.
 
That's one marathon I'd LOVE to run!
 
--
 
This has probably been around for a while, I have no idea of its source.
 
If a train-station is where a train stops what happens at a workstation?
 
--
 
It's good to eat.  It's good to laugh.  But try to both at the same
time and you'll pay through the nose.
 
--
 
      An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the
same lecture night after night.  He confided this state of mind to his
chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination.  The chauffeur
expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.
 
      "I've got it!" said the astronomer.  "You are bored with driving and I am
weary of lecturing.  Let's exchange places for one night.  It will be a
refreshing change for both of us.   My lecture is all written out word for word
and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway."  The driver agreed and
the exchange of roles and dress was made.  That night the lecture hall filled
to capacity.  At the appointed time those in attendance heard a flawlessly
delivered lecture.  At its conclusion the lecturer basked in the euphoric
applause.  Then came the question and answer period.
 
       "Who discovered Uranus?" came from a boy in the front.
 
       "Uh...William Herschel."  He remembered that from somewhere.
 
       "And who discovered Pluto?" continued the boy.
 
       "Aaaa...that would be Clyde Tombaugh."  He had read a little.
 
       Then from the back:  "Would you please comment on the relative merits
of the pulsation instability model and the accretion disk instability model for
the explanation of outbursts of cataclysmic variable stars?"
 
       The speaker paused for a moment, then said, "I am surprised that you
would bother to ask me such a simple question.  To show you how really simple
it is I shall have my chauffeur answer it for you."
 
--
 
During the examination of Judge Thomas' former secretary, one of the
questioning senators asked Did he use a dictaphone?
 
On the closed captioning appearing on my screen, the typist
inadvertantly wrote something a bit different.
 
Did he use a dick to phone? was the interpretation.
 
--
 
Overheard at Clarence Thomas' office on April 17, 1980
 
Thomas: "You know Anita, I think that I have the largest staff of any
	of the guys in my graduating class."
 
--
 
Overheard at Clarence Thomas' office on April 25, 1980
 
Thomas: "Anita, I'd like to keep you on my staff for a really
	long time."
 
--
 
Let's:
...make like a tree and leave.
...make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.
...make like horse sh!t and hit the trail.
...make like a fetus and head out.
...make like a baby and head out.
...make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
...make like Diarrhea and run
...make like Linda Lovelace and blow.
...make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.
...make like a douche and get the fuck out of there.
...make like stockings and run.
...make like a loaf of French bread and baguette.
We're off like a prom dress!!!
...make like a prom dress and take off.
We're off like pants in the dark.
...make like the wind and blow.
...make like lightning and bolt.
...make like a Nut and Bolt.
...make like a rectum and get the sh*t out of here.
...make like a donkey's d!ck and hit the road.
...make like Michael Jackson and "Beat it!"
...make like Santa Claus and leave your presents (presence)!
...make like Tom and Cruise.
...make like Pablo and Cruise.
...make like Levi's and fade away.
...make like a bowel, and move.
...make like a tie and hang around some more.
...make like a botanist and leaf.
...make like a dog and flea.
...make like newlyweds; remain in bed all day. (or go to bed early.)
...make like an unstructured program, and go (to).
...make like Houdini and disappear
Off like the brides pajamas.
We're off lika a bride's nightie...
Act like yesterdays lunch, go down and out the back.
 
--
 
This is original;  it may not be funny to real adults who have never
seen Peewee's Saturday morning show;  my excuse is that I've got kids;
===============================================================================
 
---------------------
Peewee's Next Episode
---------------------
 
[scene opens in Peewee's playhouse]
 
Chairy: "Hey Peewee, why dont we tell the boys and girl's
         today's secret word?"
 
Peewee: "Good idea Chairy; lets ask Conky!"
 
[Peewee giggles impishly, and skips across the room to Conky, the robot]
 
Peewee: "What's the secret word today, Conky?"
 
[Conky rattles and stutters for a moment, and a card pops out;
 Peewee holds it in front of the camera for all to see...]
 
Peewee: "Well boys and girls, today's secret word is HANDJOB!;
         you all know what to do whenever anybody says the secret
         word-- scream as loud as you can!;  lets give it a try; (pause)
         Hey Conky, how come robots cant give themselves a HANDJOB?"
 
[children scream, yell, cheer]
 
[a knock at the door;  Peewee skips over and answers; a black man dressed
 in overly-flamboyant western garb with a cowboy hat appears]
 
Peewee: "Why, its Cowboy Curtis, everyone;  Hi, Cowboy Curtis!"
 
Cowboy Curtis: "WOOOO--WEEEE!;  I just had me one hell of a HANDJOB, Peewee!"
 
[children scream, yell, cheer;  Peewee giggles impishly]
 
Peewee: "Why dont you tell the boys and girls at home all about it!"
 
[Peewee is interrupted by someone barging through the door]
 
Peewee: "Hey, boys and girls, it's Miss Evonne, the most beautiful woman
         in all of puppet land;  My, Miss Evonne-- you seem to be
         showing more cleavage than usual today (giggle giggle)"
 
Miss Evonne gushes: "Why yes, Peewee;  I was hoping Carlos would stop by"
 
[a knock at the door;  Peewee expects Cowboy Curtis to get it, but he seems
 to be involved in a little game he's discovered with Globe-y;  Peewee skips
 over and opens the door;  a young hispanic man, dressed in Soccer-player garb;
 close up of Miss Evonne gushing, and wetting her lips...];
 
Peewee: "Hey, everybody, its Carlos..."
 
[Peewee is interrupted by Miss Evonne who rudely squeezes past him, to get
 closer to Carlos]
 
Miss Evonne: "Hi, Carlos; (gush gush) I was hoping you'd drop by; you know,
              its been a while since I've had a decent HANDJOB;"
 
[children scream, yell, cheer;  Carlos blushes;  Peewee giggles impishly]
 
Carlos: "Well, you are the most beautiful woman in all of puppet land...
         maybe you could give me a HANDJOB first, si?"
 
[children scream, yell, cheer]
 
[another knock at the door;  Miss Evonne bounces over and answers;  an older
 black man dressed in a stunning outfit with a crown, and a middle-aged
 woman dress in surfing-movie garb of the 60's]
 
Peewee: "Look, boys and girls;  its Miss Renee and the King of Cartoons!"
 
Miss Renee: "Well...  I always knew you people were swingers..."
 
[attention focuses on the King;  the king postures, throws his arm in the
air and exclaims his royal decree:]
 
the King: "Ladies and Gentlemen; Boys and Girls; Let the HANDJOBS begin!!!"
 
[children scream, yell, cheer;  Peewee giggles impishly;
           story deteriorates to a low-budget porn flick.....
 
--
 
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
> Oh great and powerful Oracle, please grep your vast stores of knowledge
> and answer my query:
>
>    I have been helping my girlfriend with her computer assignments,
>    but now she has me stumped.  I've learned VMS for Vax, and CMS for
>    IBM, but she tells me she's having trouble with PMS.  Can you
>    enlighten me as to what platform PMS runs on, and what notable
>    features it provides?
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
} First you need to understand a little Latin.  There is suffix form
} that uses -gina for the feminine and -x for the masculine.  The
} best-known words following this format are the Latin words for
} king and queen:  rex and regina.
}
} Hence we deduce that a vax is actually a masculinized vagina.
} And hence we deduce that PMS is to the vagina what VMS is to
} the vax.
}
} VMS and PMS have pretty much the same features, as anyone
} familiar with both could tell you.  Both are prone to trouble-
} some emotionalness, and alarming mood swings.
}
} It should be noted that VMS was created mostly by men, and
} that these men often acted as if they were suffering from a
} "virtual menstrual syndrome."  They made highly emotional
} decisions, like not putting in some great TOPS-20 features
} because they were thought up by somebody in another part
} of DEC . . .
}
} One popular operating system that doesn't suffer from cyclical
} hormonal syndromes is Eunuchs.
 
---------------------
 
Subject: Coyote Ponderings
 
Here are a couple of thoughts to ponder about the coyote:
 
Why is it that the coyote can afford all that expensive ACME
equipment but he can't afford to go out to eat?
 
How can he have the equipment sent to no fixed address in the middle of
the desert?
 
---------------------
 
Subject: The Gulf Crisis
 
President Bush is trying to make up for the fact that the US was late
for the last two world wars by being *really* punctual for this one.
 
---------------------
 
Q:  Why do women change their minds so often?
A:  To keep them clean.
 
---------------------
 
Commentary on the state of IBM:
 
A man jumps off the top floor of a skyscraper.  As he passes the seventeenth
floor, someone leans out of a window and asks, "how are you doing?" to which
the man replies, "fine, so far."
 
---------------------
 
Dyslexus:  the car for drivers who signal left and turn right.
 
---------------------
 
    My nephew wants to be an abstract artist, so I got him a "paint-by-
irrational-number" kit.
 
---------------------
 
Did you hear that the Tidy Bowl Man has written an autobiography?
 
It's called "Looking out for #1"
 
---------------------
 
Q: What's the male equivalent of the maternity dress?
 
A: The paternity suit.
 
---------------------
 
Something to think about...
   Radar spelled backwords is... radar.
 
This explains how state troopers can get you coming and going.
 
---------------------
 
Did you hear about our new local radio station?  Call letters are KPMS.
The format is 3 weeks of the blues followed by a week of ragtime.
 
---------------------
 
"Twice five syllables
Plus seven can't say much but
That's Haiku for you."
 
---------------------
 
While travelling near Tampa, Florida, we went by the "Jehovah's
Witness Assembly Hall"; on spotting this, my wife exclaimed: "so
THAT's where they make them!"
 
---------------------
 
Overheard in a bar:
 
"I just don't understand.  Though I begin to suspect it's something about
my attitude towards women that keeps me from getting laid...."
 
---------------------
 
A cardiologist friend told me after his last birthday:
 
``There's one nice thing about turning 45: you no longer have
to worry about a *premature* heart attack."
 
---------------------
 
Due to the current economic situation the management have decided that the
light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off until further notice
 
---------------------
 
Q: What is the definition of PMS?
 
A: Putting up with Men's Shit.
 
---------------------
 
          While driving back from vacation,my husband and I passed a church
 for the deaf. Being partially deaf,I pointed it out to my husband. He said he
 guessed that the preacher only went through the motions.....
 
---------------------
 
Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of.
 
---------------------
 
   Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
 
---------------------
 
Question: What is:
 
        ten
        nine
        eight
        seven
        six
        five
        four
        three
        two
        one?       (answer below)
                         |
                         |
                         V
 
Answer: Bo Dereck getting older.
 
---------------------
 
Subject: Something to think about
 
If your knees bent the other way, what would chairs look like?
 
My sister asked me this one.  She probably learned it at Colorado College, but
who's to say for sure?
 
---------------------
 
Q: What do you call a sexual intellectual?
 
A: A fucking know-it-all.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Seen on a bumper sticker from a store that sells fishing tackle:
 
        "The best way to a man's heart is through his fly!"
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Written on the bathroom wall in my favorite local bar:
 
"Support mental health or I'll kill you"
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
What do you do if a Pit Bull is humping your leg?
Fake an orgasm!
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children?
 
A: He just adored the platter of little feet...
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
      What do priests call themselves in the rectory?
 
      Unwed Fathers.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: Farberisms
 
Quotations from Dave Farber, formerly chairman of CS dept at University
of California Irvine; also University of Delaware:
 
We're all going down the same road in different directions.
 
Never sleep with anybody crazier than you are.
 
A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else.
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
	The lottery is just a tax on people who are bad at math.
 
--
Q: How did the Software Engineer die in the shower?
A: He was following the shampoo instructions, which said:
   "Lather. Rinse. Repeat.", and he couldn't get out of the loop.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
I, a male,  actually received this fortune once in a fortune cookie:
 
"you have an unusual equipment for success.  be sure to use it properly"
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma,
this telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
 
        NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
   Please leave this state in the toilet in which you would like to
   find it.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
True story. When a friend's wife turned 40, he told her, "Honey, I'm trading
you in for two 20-year-old girls." Instant reply, "Better not, John, you're
not wired for 220."
              ^^^  perhaps it's 117.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Did you hear about the self-help group for people who talk too much?
 
It's called "On and On Anon"
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Newsflash:
Yesterday, pickets picketing a picket factory were picketed by pickets who
claimed that the picket factory picketing pickets' picket signs were made
in a non-union shop.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
  " Some husbands are living proof that women can take a joke "
                                              - Bumper Sticker
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Q:  Why don't Cannibals eat Clowns?
 
A:  They taste funny.
 
--
While car is moving, wife asks her husband...
 
Wife: Darling, can you drive with one hand
Husband: Oh sure I can :-)
Wife: Ok then, clean your nose with other hand...
 
--
I found this on a condom machine at a local tavern...
 
"For a full refund, please deposit baby here!"
 
--
 
"Limit congressmen to two terms.  One in office.  One in jail."
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
 
Heard on the radio during the morning rush:
 
They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.  That's not as
bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
"Practice safe government -- use a kingdom."
 
--
 If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: My mother's favorite recipe
 
Honeymoon salad:  lettuce alone, with no dressing
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
 Know what HECK is?
 
 It's where people go when they don't believe in GOSH!
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
What did the cup of coffee say to the man?
 
Let me shake your hand.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: Life is like a penis . . .
 
When it's soft you can't beat it.
When it's hard you can get screwed.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
  "Personal" ad in local paper:  David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings:
Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.
 
--
Did you hear that JC Penneys is having a Pee Wee Herman sale?
 
All men's pants half off.
 
--
                                N O T I C E
 
        If you notice this notice, you will notice after
 
noticing this notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Find the largest box you can mail, and mark on the outside
"EXTREMELY FRAGILE - MAY DISSOLVE IF SHAKEN." Then, mail the box
off, empty of course, to anyone you dislike.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: Biblical computing
 
It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were invented
thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use of a
common computer protocol occured in the Old Testament.
 
This, of course, was when Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a
control-sea...
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Do you know what you call a beat-up Ragedy Andy doll lying face down
in a pile of rocks?
 
A Dirty Cotton Rock Sucker.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
My mother-in-law reports seeing a new product, UMPIRE, in the masculine
hygiene deodorant spray section of the local mart.  It promises to
prevent foul balls.
 
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Seen in "The Fusco Brothers," a wierd comic strip in the San Francisco
Chronicle (at least), Nov. 11, 1991:
 
	Two people are in a car.  They're lost, and the passenger is
looking at a map.
 
	Passenger: "There's something on the right; it's narrow and it'll
take us back to where we were."
 
	Driver: "Sounds to me like the Supreme Court."
 
--
Things that might've been funny if comedian Steve Wright had said them...
 
A metaphor is like a simile.
 
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
 
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price
if you eat less than you can.
 
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
 
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
 
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food.  You may wonder how
it weighs the food.  It doesn't.  It just eats another hummingbird.
 
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
 
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.  All they
found was a pile of dust.
 
--
     When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about
the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made.
For several days, the child went over this fascinating new material
with her mother.  "So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from
Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy."
     "That's right, honey" her mother said.
     "But how does the sperm get there?" she asked.  "Does Mommy
swallow it?"
     "If Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does," came the reply.
 
--
At the water cooler, two women are chatting...
 
woman 1:  I have a peculiar ailment.  Whenever I sneeze I have an
	  orgasm!
 
woman 2:  That's incredible.  What are you taking for it?
 
woman 1:  pepper
 
--
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous
woman.  The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism
(zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.
 
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over
her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.  "Excuse me miss,
but how do you get into your pants?"
 
"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."
--
I've devised a new type of smilie, to raise the efficieny of communications on
the Usenet:
 
:-)  -:      Smilie with an erection.
 
:-) 8  -     Female.
 
:-| 8( )-    Pregnant Female.
 
:-(   :-     Impotent (Or let down).
 
:-)   -8     Blue balls.
 
;-)  o===8   Braggart.
 
:-\  8o      After a cold shower.
 
;-)   ===8   Circumcised.
 
8-O  --*     Just before doubling over with pain.
 
:-)  -^-:    In need of some corrective surgery.
 
:-)  :-...   Taking a leak.
 
:-}  -oo-:   Taking matters into hand.
 
:-{  -__-:   After slamming the toilet seat.
 
:-o  ^^^^:   After zipping up fly too fast.
 
Now that we've seen them, let's learn how to use them:
 
>> Newsgroup: alt.singles
>>
>> Hi.  I'm new to this group.  I'm a very well endowed guy    ;-) o===8
>> and am looking for a girl with large hooters                :-) 8   -
>> to have wild, uninhibited sex with.                         :-0==8
>
> Look, mister, you obviously are just some desparate geek     :-)  -8
> trying to relieve yourself over the Usenet.  I'd hate to     :-O -oo-:
> think of what would happen if someone walked in on you.      :-{ ^^^^:
> In fact, you're probably just mastering the simplest tasks
> of managing your "manhood".               :-)  :-....   -->  :-{  -__-:
 
Eventually, of course, we could communicate entirely with these smilies,
and eliminate the bulky overhead of words, such as the following:
 
>>> Newsgroup: alt.single
>>>  :-) o===8  +  :-) 8  -  ?          (Proposition)
>>   :-o  -8   --> :-o -oo-: !          (Alternative suggestion)
>    :-o  --*                           (Ooh.  That hurt)
 
And, of course, Flames:
 
:-( :  -    (You call those breasts?  I've seen bigger lumps in oatmeal!)
:-0===8     (Oh yeah?  I bet that you...)
:-(   :-    (Not with you I don't!)
 
I hope that these smilies will lead to more open communications between
people on the Net.  :-)  --:
 
--
 
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
> Oh, All-Knowing, Master of all which is Oracular, Please tell me
>
> How much work would a network work if a network could network?
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
} "Come with me, my child. Give me your hand."
}
} "Where are we going?"
}
} "I am going to show you the answer to your question."
}
} "Where is the answer?"
}
} "At the end of this hallway. Come."
}
} "Is it far?"
}
} "Not very far. Just past these doors. But you must promise not to
} open the doors into any of the rooms."
}
} "Why?"
}
} "Behind these doors are very unpleasant sights. There are people who
} have lost their minds."
}
} "How did that happen?"
}
} "There are many paths that lead to the same place. Behind this door is
} a man who cannot speak, except to whisper, 'How many charts would a
} flowchart flow, if a flow chart could flow charts?'"
}
} "How terrible!"
}
} "And over here is a woman, a mother of three small children, whose
} mind has seized on a question and will not let go."
}
} "What is that question?"
}
} "'How many pounds would a footpound pound, if a footpound could pound
} pounds?'"
}
} "But what does that mean?"
}
} "No! Never ask yourself that! It leads to madness."
}
} "Where do these questions come from?"
}
} "They are the bastard spawn of an unholy union between a woodchuck
} and the demons of hell."
}
} "How do they get inside someone's head?"
}
} "I will not even speak of the mantra to you, my innocent. But I warn
} you: do not search for the answer, for it will find you."
}
} "Who is behind this door?"
}
} "One who muses, 'How much news would new taxes tax, if new taxes knew
} tax news?'"
}
} "I am beginning to see. It begins as a word game, doesn't it?"
}
} "So it is said."
}
} "You just pick a word, any word, like 'synod.' And spin out the
} question. 'How many nods would a synod sin, if a synod could sin nods?'
} This is what happens, is it not?"
}
} "I am afraid so."
}
} "Why, it's quite fun. And quite harmless. How can one be so foolish
} as to become obsessed with such nonsense?"
}
} "There is no fool but whose folly seems wisdom."
}
} "What a dreary hallway you are leading me down. How many ways would
} a hallway weigh, if a hallway could weigh ways?"
}
} "I beg you, for the last time, do not ask such questions."
}
} "You are much too serious a person, I think. How much work would a
} network work if a network could network?"
}
} "We are almost there, my child."
}
} "Wait a moment. I'm serious. How much work would a network work if a
} network could network?"
}
} "Here is the room. The answer to your question lies in here."
}
} "I don't want to know the answer to that question. I can barely
} remember that question. I want to know how much work would a network
} work if a network could network?"
}
} "The answer to that question, too, lies in here. Enter."
}
} "Where? Where is the answer? There's nothing here but a bed and a
} window, high up on the wall. What will tell me the answer?"
}
} "I must go now."
}
} "Wait! Don't close the door! You must tell me. How much work would
} a network work if a network could network?"
}
} "Goodbye, my child. I am....very sorry."
}
} "Don't leave. Or go. Go if you must! But first, tell me, how much work
} would a network work if a network could network?"
}
} "Goodbye."
}
} "How much work would a network work if a network could network? How
} much work would a network work if a network could network?....
}
} "Oracle?....
}
} "....ORACLE....!"
 
---
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
> Oh great Oracle, whose very robes I could not touch without suffering
> at least unending torment in the nethermost depths of hell, or at
> least a few minutes in a microwave, who walks with the Gods and even
> is invited to play Brockian Ultra-Cricket with them every Thursday,
> whose swim towel is a hoopy shade of mauve, who looks so unlike a
> beetle as to possibly be called the anti-beetle, whose dog can dance
> in 15 different languages at the same time, who can type upon the
> keyboard in such a sensual manner as to make the terminal groan in
> throes of happiness, who if he was to write a book would recieve all
> kinds of neato awards even before it was finished, who has an infinite
> number of supplicants to throw lightning at whenever the wish strikes
> him, who knows all the puns, and who appears as a burning coke can
> that is not consumed when he deigns to appear at all to the most
> foolish moratls that are forever asking his infinite and spiffy
> advice, would you please, please, with great mounds of sugar and a
> cherry with gobs of whipped cream and whatever other sweet topping
> your greatness wishes for and enjoys on top, tell this poor
> supplicant, who has no knowledge when stood next to you, whose soul is
> forever doomed to walk the earth with a slight itch in a hard to reach
> place because it was bold enough to bother you, whose dog has trouble
> walking and panting at the same time, who doesn't even own a
> bath towel or a washcloth, who at just the thought of thinking about
> the possibility of letting the thought of considering the Oracle in
> all his greatness must immediately fall down upon the earth and chant
> "Hey Nonny Nonny No" many many times to keep from being struck just
> plain silly, why do you require so much grovelling and such before a
> question, though I do not question your judgement, which I know is far
> beyond anything I have ever encountered, making all the knowledge of
> the Earth through all of history look like something that you probably
> wouldn't even stub your toe on in the dark, even though that isn't a
> very good analogy, since you would never stub your toe, as that would
> imply some fault on your part, which is obviously impossible, but just
> for the sake of the analogy, which of course, coming from one such as
> me, is vastly inferior to any analogy or even any sound you might
> utter after stubbing your toe, is not very good, but might be kept
> anyway, and though I want to end this poor mortal's request soon, I
> really have no idea what punctuation mark to use, so I'll probably go
> with an ellipsis, since that would imply that I might have gone on a
> bit, and grovelled some more before stopping, as I think I will right
> now, though if it displeases you, Oh Great One, I will stop, as I am
> such a poor worm crawling on, nay, below the dirt, and I would never
> want to or even consider annoying you in any way, SO I will stop now,
> hoping against hope that my small smidgin of knowledge is enough to
> know if I have not grovelled to little or to much, and likewise for
> praising thy great name, so I'll just drift off now...
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
} Can you repeat the question?
 
---
A taxi-cab driver is talking with his friend:
 
Cabbie: "Yesterday, these two women got into my cab, and were talking
         non-stop about their love lives..."
Friend: "So what did you do?"
Cabbie: "I took the long route!"
--
Book your own talk show
Pick one from each column (3 - 5 - 1 - 4:  Handicapped sex addicts
married to organ donors)
 
1   Overweight   Incest victims  Married to           Alcoholics
2   Battered     Couples         Raped by             Serial killers
3   Handicapped  Prostitutes     Who murdered         Their fathers
4   Homosexual   AIDS suffers    In love with         Organ donors
5   Unwed        Sex addicts     Writing books about  Madonna
 
Gives a whole new meaning to buzz word generators!!
 
--
                 PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG
 
                 100 little bugs in the code,
                 100 bugs in the code,
 
                 fix one bug, compile it again,
                 101 little bugs in the code.
 
                 101 little bugs in the code.....
 
                 Repeat until BUGS = 0
 
--
 
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Say it's not supported
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Tell them it's a feature
     Say it's not supported
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
--
 
From 13 to 18 a woman is like Africa - virgin and unexplored
From 19 to 35 she is like Asia - hot and exotic
From 36 to 45 she is like America - fully explored and free with her resources
From 46 to 55 she is like Europe - exhausted, but still has points of interest
From 56 on she is like Australia - everyone knows its down there but no-one
gives a damn.
--
 
	Do these guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you
for a bunch of personal data when you're just there to buy something as
simple as a couple AA batteries? I think we should inconvenience these
people as much as they do us. A while ago I was in Enid buying a printer
cable adaptor and the guy asked me for my name.
 
	"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson" I replied
	(blank look of confusion)
	"How do you spell that?" he asked, obviously not wanting to know.
	"With a hyphen" I clarified
	"Once more?" he asked
	"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson"
	"Could you please spell that?" he asked, glancing at the half dozen
people waiting behind me.
	"Oh... just like it sounds." I said nonchalantly.
	Putting down "Johnson", he went on and asked about the address.
	"Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3,
Building O, Appt. 1382b" I replied.
	Almost through writing all this down, I said "Or did you mean
current address?"
	Stoping, he said (becoming irritated) "Yes. Current address."
	"Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue,
Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201." I replied quite slowly.
     	Waiting until he finished I said "No, wait, it's NORTH Tinatonabee
Avenue." Annoyed, he backed up and changed it.
	"I think." I interjected.
	"And is all this correct?" he asked in a standard manner.
	"Of course not." I replied, leaving, "If you want my REAL name and
address, look at the damned credit card receipt."
        A little mean, I must admit, but no jury would convict me... At least,
none that had been to Radio Shack.
 
--
 
        A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following
sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
 
        Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see...
Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!"
 
--
A wealthy aristocrat was hosting a party at his estate, which had been in his
family for generations.  He noticed that one of his guests bore a striking
resemblance to himself.  He could not believe that such a similarity could
exist with no genetic link, so guessing that his father had sown some wild
oats, he approached the guest and asked with a smirk "Was your mother ever a
maid here?"
 
The guest replied "No, but my father used to be the gardener."
 
--
If only software dealers were as fastidious as restaurants.
 
A restaurant will give me the food for free if I find one bug in it.
--
"If they don't want us to drink and drive,
 why do you have to have a driver's license to buy beer?"
 
--
 
 I saw a standup comic on Evening at the Improv the other night. He made
one of the funniest remarks I have heard in a long time.
 He was a scrawny little nerdy-looking guy. He was talking about his
21st birthday. His friends got him a sweater. He said, "I would have preferred
a screamer or a moaner, but the sweater was okay."
 
--
 
I heard the following last night - it's in the category
of `a friend of a normally reliable friend' and may be
apocryphal, but what the hell...
 
Following a really good party one night, the hosts
decided to leave the assorted bottles and dregs until the
next morning.  As they staggered downstairs next day,
they found their young children finishing off all that
they could find, and looking the worse for wear.
 
Not knowing what to do, the father suggested taking them
out in the car for some fresh air.  A traffic policeman,
seeing the car going round and round the block for no
reason, pulled him over and breathalysed him... and the
meter showed positive.
 
While matters were being sorted out, one of the children
asked the policeman if he could try the breathalyser...
and the meter again showed positive!
 
"Damn!" said the policeman, "another faulty meter!"; he
then apologised to the driver for stopping him, and drove
off without another word...
 
--
 During one of the more explicit portions of the trial, Pee Wee Herman
 and Michael Jackson were both caught masturbating in the rear of thre
 courtroom. Pee Wee was arrested and Michael was paid $6,000,000.
 
--
"You know I got kicked out of the shopping center today but I don't know
why."
 
"What did you do?"
 
"Well, you know that sign that says 'Wet floor'?"
 
"Yeah..."
 
"Well...so I did..."
--
Q:  Why do computer scientists make such lousy lovers?
 
A:  Cause they always want to do the job faster than before.  And
    when they do, they say the performance has improved.
--
 
Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral
 
 1.  Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make
     love with you.
 2.  Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find
     your contact lens.
 3.  Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
 4.  Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
 5.  Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the
     deceased.
 6.  At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
 7.  Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're
     not in it.
 8.  Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
 9.  Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
 10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can
     sneak him into the coffin.
 11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
 12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
 13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
 14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will
     can be read before the funeral is over.
 15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
     who can't afford firewood.
 16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
 17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
 18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
 19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
 20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
 21. Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
 22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
 23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
 24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's
     mouth.
 25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream
    "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
 26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
 27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
 28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
 29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for
     back-taxes.
 30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face
     while praising the deceased.
 
--
 
Bush Throws Up During Japanese Dinner Party
 
Phlegm at 11!
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Q. What's the difference between the vice squad and George Bush in Japan?
 
A. Well, the vice squad closes bookies...
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Q. What did George Bush discuss with the Japanese during lunch?
 
A. The same thing he brought up at dinner.
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed when the
following conversation takes place...
 
She: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?"
He:  "That's a morbid question!"
She: "No, I really want to know."
He (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of time I might
    remarry."
She: "Would she live in our house?"
He:  "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off - would you really expect me to
    move?"
She: "Would she wear my mink coat?"
He:  "You know I paid $3,500 for that coat - would you really want me to
    sell it for a loss?"
She: "Well, would she drive my BMW?"
He:  "No.  Absolutely not.  She doesn't know how to drive a stick shift!"
 
--
 
This the /bin/true shell script from original unix:
 
You see, an empty shell script does nothing and returns True.
 
Here is the /bin/true shell script from AT&T Unix V.3.2:
 
	#	Copyright (c) 1984 AT&T
	#	  All Rights Reserved
 
	#	THIS IS UNPUBLISHED PROPRIETARY SOURCE CODE OF AT&T
	#	The copyright notice above does not evidence any
	#	actual or intended publication of such source code.
 
	#ident	"@(#)cmd/true.sh	50.1"
 
Notice that there is still no actual source code in this file.
 
Is AT&T copyrighting and protecting its protection notice?
 
Or, is AT&T attempting to copyright and protect the empty file?
 
Lance Norskog
 
--
 
How did the <ethnic> die in the pie eating contest?
 
A cow stepped on his head.
--
You know you lead a sad life when a nymphomaniac comes up to you and
says,"Let's just be friends."
 
--
       Seen written on a stall in a mens bathroom in Wisconsin:
 
              My wife follows me everywhere.
 
       Written just below it:
 
              I do not.
--
  A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishoners who he knew
as being an unkempt housekeeper.  When he sat down at the table, he noticed
that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
  "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his
fingers over the grit and grime.  She replied, "They're as clean as soap
and water could get them".  He felt a bit apprehensive but blessed the food
anyway and started eating.  It was really delicious and he said so, despite
the dirty dishes.
  When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked
"Here Soap!  Here Water!"
 
--
Q: What is an optimist?
 
A: An IBM'er who, on Sunday, irons FIVE white shirts.
--
This maybe something of a 'college legend', but I heard it as true:
 
A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final:
"What is courage?". The student wrote "This.", signed it, and turned it in.
 
I never knew what happened to the student, but I hope he got an A.
 
--
The following really happened at the banking institution I bank at:
 
A few days before Christmas, I was waiting in line along with quite a few other
people at a bank.  A women with a small boy about 4 or 5 years old was also
waiting in line about two places ahead of me.  The boy, being rambunctious and
a typical 4 or 5 year old, just couldn't stand and wait patiently, but was
squirming, running around, etc.  His mother, getting agitated at both having
to wait in line so long and having to deal with a little fireplug of a son,
kept yelling at her son to "Stand here!  Quit running around!!"  Finally,
having had enough, she instructed him to go and sit down at a chair against a
wall and to "not move".  He pouted and went to the chair.  No sooner did he
crawl up into the chair and sit, he started to squirm and fidget.  The mother,
still about 3 people from a teller, looked over at her son and was about ready
to yell at him when he beat her to the quick and blurted out, "I don't want you
to yell at me and if you do, I'm gonna' tell everybody that I saw you with
daddy's penis in your mouth last night!!"  I swear that there was dead silence
in the bank for just a moment and I, along with several others, tried to cough
and do everything else in our power to keep from laughing.  The mother turned
white and then very, very red, but didn't leave the bank.  She kept waiting in
line for the teller and didn't say another word to her son.  Her son, deducing
from his mother's icy glare that he had just cooked his goose, turned extremely
white and did NOT move at all in his chair.  When the woman was finished with
her banking, she went over to her son and nearly pulled his arm out of its
socket yanking him out of his chair.  It wasn't until they both were safely out
of the bank that we all broke out into laughter and laughed so hard that many
of us cried.
 
--
Man in Toys-R-Us to Saleswoman:  Does Barbie come with Ken?
 
Saleswoman:  No, Barbie comes with G.I. Joe.  She fakes it with Ken.
--
With all the attention that the Dow breast implants have been getting lately,
I wondered why no one else has been manufacturing these "devices" except
Dow.
 
Then I realized that everyone else was probably afraid of a "look and
feel" lawsuit...
 
--
With all of the check writing problems Congress-Critters are having now Intuit,
the makers of the best selling home finance software Quicken, would like to
introduce their newest in a line of financial software:
 
                     Congressional Quicken
 
Congressional Quicken is a new version of Quicken written specifically for
Congress people who have trouble keeping track of their financial status.
With Congressional Quicken we took regular Quicken and redesigned it with a
much simplified interface (we know our clientele).  Congressional Quicken
has features specifically designed to make sure that the Congress person can
never become overdrawn or face the embarassment of overdrafting a check.
(Thereby avoiding the rath of the lowly voter.)
 
Here is what a normal Quicken account might look like:
==============================================================================
|Date | Check # | To/From:                    | Debit    | Credit   |  Total |
                                                                    |  282.51|
==============================================================================
|03/12|   192   | To: Grocery Store (food)    |  87.33   |          |  195.18|
|03/15|   DEP   | From: Work (salary)         |          |  135.66  |  330.84|
|03/17|   193   | To: Credit Card             | 450.00   |          | -119.16|
==============================================================================
 
Notice how check 193 caused the total to go negative (a cash flow reversal),
this could never happen with Congressional Quicken.  Here is a sample from
one of the top Congressional seats that uses Congressional Quicken:
==============================================================================
|Date | Check # | To/From:                    |     Credit     |    Total    |
                                                               |    158932.21|
==============================================================================
|03/12|   192   | To: Grocery Store (party)   |    2153.45     |    161085.66|
|03/15|   DEP   | From: Bribe (salary)        |    5625.00     |    166710.66|
|03/17|   193   | To: Credit Card (party)     |    8321.88     |    175032.54|
==============================================================================
 
Enhanced features of Congressional Quicken:
No debit column - Everything is counted as a credit.  Makes it much easier
                  for the busy Congress person who now doesn't need to worry
                  about the headache of subtraction and when to "borrow" from
                  one column.
Expanded Credit and Total columns - No more worry about how to squeeze in those
                                    extra numbers when the next pay raise rolls
                                    around.
 
All this and many, many more features for the unbelievably low price of
                           $7995
Cash only. No checks, no credit cards, no exceptions.
(we know that regular Quicken is only $79.95, but hey this is a government
thing)
 
Order now and you will also receive our highly acclaimed pop-up TSR:
 
                         Budget Busters
 
Yes, Budget Busters, the very same program that is used by such overpaid,
under-responsible US executives as:
 
a former-president of United Way, who had this to say about Budget Busters,
    "With out Budget Busters I could not have earned $460,000 as the
     president of a charity.  It helped me to hide my salary for years
     and I won't even talk about the perks that it helped me to get."
 
a CEO of IBM, "Do you really think that I could have helped IBM lose
     as many millions of dollars as I did, blast my employees for
     being lazy, and give myself a 17% pay raise without the help of
     Budget Busters."
 
Many executives at GMC, "Budget Busters helped us to dole out $80 million
     in executive bonus's while our company was going down the tubes."
 
Resolution Trust Corporation (RTC) handling the S&L bailout, "Without the
     help of Budget Busters could we say 'What $7 billion?'"
 
--